When I had breast cancer my confidence in God did not give me immunity from the normal emotions most people suffer, it gave me freedom to feel them without censure. I truly panicked at times, I truly dreaded the possibility of dying, and the certainty of gross medical procedures. I even feared that my fear would help the cancer grow faster, but I could not stop fearing by will power. I let myself be God's fully human daughter, and let Him hold and caress me while I felt bad.
My devotional practices took on an urgency as I faced life or death decisions that only I could make. My loose habit of reading a chapter a day in the Old and New Testament, and the daily reading in Chambers, was my lifeline to God. I doubled my efforts by reading each entry morning and evening, not because I hoped to enjoin God to show mercy. I knew He would have mercy because He wants to. I read things twice because I had little time to make terrible choices. Every day He showed Himself to me clearly and personally, but two instances will best illustrate my point.
First, He told me to be gentle with myself. There is nothing gentle about cancer, but there were gentler options among many bad ones. That word for me still guides my decisions, even if I need to rise up and conquer something, I don't choose martyrdom just to prove my strength.
Second, in the normal course of my devotions, while I prayed specifically about dying young, I came to Gen.15:15 where the Lord told Abram, "But you will die in peace, at a ripe old age."(LB) I accepted that as an answer to a specific prayer, which helped me make a decision about surgery. I also remember that promise when I hear myself worrying about being in a plane crash.
I want to live a really human life, fully pleasing to Him. I want to be more dependent on God next year than I am now. I want to laugh even more. Amen.
Beautiful
ReplyDelete